Tags Still On
Topic : Miscarriage
Tags still on.
I went to the hospital to have my son.
With a drawer full of tiny clothes with the tags still on.
I had dutifully gone shopping while I was pregnant.
Buying clothes “just in case” a baby came home.
Not because I believed one would.
I miscarried two months before I became pregnant with my son.
Some would say that I hadn’t really been pregnant.
I had been.
The loss changed me deeply.
I knew I had no control.
No say in the outcome.
I remember during my labor thinking, “we’ll see how this goes”.
The room was hot, I asked for the fan to be turned on and I looked out the window to see the sun still shining and cars driving on the freeway.
They kept “losing his heartbeat”.
It would dip and fall.
The doctor would tickle the top of his head to get it back up.
And I could hear them talking about it.
And I knew.
I knew I was going to lose him.
When they gave me oxygen I felt like I had failed.
Like I couldn’t do it.
The contractions would come and then go.
And when they left, I felt defeated.
Like my body was quitting.
I was eerily calm.
Telling them I thought I was “stalling out”.
When he came out the cord was around his neck.
I heard the doctor say that’s why his heart rate kept dropping.
I was handed my son.
And there he was.
In my 9 months of pregnancy I never believed he was real.
Always a “maybe” or “we’ll see”.
To hold someone you didn’t allow yourself to believe in.
There are no words for that.
And so when we called my mom.
She washed the clothes.