Relearning: Alcohol

Topic : Daily Glimpses

Happy: drink.
Sad: drink.
Bored: drink.
Celebration: drink
Loss: drink.

The open bar at our wedding was much more important than the food.

The day I quit drinking we went out, anniversary celebration.
It was the first time in well over a decade
I hadn’t had a cocktail with a special dinner

It’s amazing to realize I don’t celebrate without drinking, that it’s synonymous with joy.

Years of loosened up laughter and blurry conversations are housed in my body.

I’m having to relearn life without booze.

Colors are brighter, pain is sharper.

My daughter yelling at me when I tell her to stop lifting up her brother not accompanied by the swig of wine.

I’m bored a lot and I waste a ton of time in front of the t.v..
Still impatient and short at bedtime.

Yet, it’s a relief for me.

Not wondering if I can have only one drink.
I never wanted one drink, always more.

The motivation to escape, to leave, to not be in the sharpness, it has been with me a long time.

Sometimes I think my whole life has been trying to take the edge off.

I feel like I’m stepping into my life again, able to stay present a moment longer,
able to not yell when bedtime takes hours.

Feeling my children lying next to me and fully sensing their energy and breath.
My son’s soft hand rests on mine as he curls up, not missed by my altered state.

Knowing who I am without any added substance or extras.

Am I dull?
Maybe.

I remember a guy telling me, “you’re more fun when you drink”.
He was an asshole but I always wondered deep down of he was right.

Am I wildly exciting?
Possibly.

But now, I would be happy with present and content.

The true question is:
Am I free?
Yes.
I finally am.

Emma
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