On Letting Go. Clearly a continual process.

Topic : Breastfeeding

Tonight in yoga class, I cried.

Which is guess isn’t uncommon, I’ve done it before, not often but it’s not odd for me to cry.
Kind of emotional around here.

I cried because I know I have to let go.

Clarabelle turns one on Saturday and instead of being super excited (which I am excited but with a hefty dose of sadness thrown in), I struggling with it.

I worked on her baby book today, put pictures in of her from the night she was born until now.

I see her so tiny, I can’t believe she was ever so small.

I have pictures of the 1st time she ever sat up by herself.
Pictures of her rolling over for the 1st time.
Pictures of the 1st time she stood up holding onto the window edge.
Countless smiles.
Endless breast feeding documentation pictures (clearly not going to post those).
Her propped on the boppie.
Me propping her up on me to read to her.
Pictures of her in the rock n play.
Lots of feet grabbing.

Memories of what was.

The reality of today is this- my child is mobile all the time.
She’s teething.
Her nursing sessions are shorter and yet, sometimes the only way I can get to nap is for her to nurse.
Or…she wants to put herself down to nap by rolling around in her crib instead of being rocked down.
She doesn’t like her changing table anymore.
She loves books, loves the outdoors.
She nurses when she wants.
She sits in my lap when we read.
She says “dog”, “hi”, “mamamama”, and “dadadada”.
Her kisses are awesome.
And she plays peek-a-boo constantly.

The reality is, I think my kid is fantastic.

Bus she is changing so much.
I’m not going to have my 4 months old again, my 6 month old again, my newborn baby again.
So much change.

And tomorrow, she will change more.

What I realized this evening, that my child needs me to let her grow up.
And embrace her changing.

What got me crying was this.

My child chose me to be her mom.
And I am her mom no matter if I’m having a hard time.
She needs her mom to be happy she’s growing up.
Who loves her changing and coming into her personality more and more.

I would not have been chosen by her if I couldn’t be the mom she knew she needed.
Being her mom makes me cry because some days I still can’t believe it’s real.
Knowing it’s my work to let her go makes me cry too.

I’m letting my child teach me.
And I’m still working on letting go.
Good stuff. Hard stuff but good.

So, I’ve got to let my resistance to change go.
Cause she will grow up.
And that’s how it should be.
And I’ll be right here for her…and that’s how it should be too.
🙂

Emma
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