2013. A thank you to my greatest teacher.
Topic : Daily Glimpses
It’s the last day of this year.
Which is odd to me.
Christmas was uneventful.
I am very thankful for this.
And now it’s today, New Years.
The day you reflect, sent intentions for the coming year, and look back on the past year.
2013 has been great. It’s been heartbreaking. It’s been quick.
As I look back, I see my child.
My greatest teacher.
This was her last year at this time.
This is her today.
It’s no secret if you read this blog that I have had a hard time with my child growing up.
I love it.
Yet it makes me cry.
What has 2013 meant to me?
Becoming a mother.
I can be honest here, I didn’t feel like a “real” mom for some time.
Yes, I loved my daughter when she was born but I fell IN love with her months after.
When I started to see HER.
When I got quiet and looked at her.
Watched her nurse.
Saw her figuring out how to hold her head up.
Seeing her struggle to roll over.
Watching her reach for me.
Hearing her say “mama”.
Seeing her stand on her own and wobble.
Watching her run to me with arms open.
Feeling her hug my leg.
Knowing her kisses are so sweet.
As I SEE my child and as I drop my desire to control her I love her more and more.
When I SEE my child, I SEE more of myself.
What do I see?
I see love.
You know what else I see?
I see my shit, you know?
Children show up and they don’t have the baggage.
They don’t have regrets from high school.
They don’t want to lose weight.
They didn’t have a fight with whomever last week.
They don’t label themselves “good” or “bad”.
They come out and they depend on you.
They KNOW you, they were IN you.
They heard your heart, they know your voice.
You’re all they know.
It’s your honor to be chosen by them to show them what this life can be.
And you either rise to the challenge.
Or you don’t.
And many days I’ve risen.
And many days I have not.
And here’s the real lesson of it for me.
My kid keeps believing in me.
She welcomes me with hugs when I’ve not wanted to nurse at 3:00 a.m..
She doesn’t know I’ve gone and cried in the bathroom because I’m so frustrated.
She smiles at me and we move on.
She doesn’t hold a grudge.
Or think I’m “bad”.
She shows up.
When my let-down is slow, she nurses.
When my mood is piss-poor she grins and giggles.
When I get annoyed that I can’t do my yoga cause she’s crawling all over me.
Let THAT sink in while you’re doing a practice that is about heart opening…
When we go on vacation, I’m anxious she won’t nurse- she does.
When we are at a new place, I swear she won’t sleep- she does.
She’s chill, smiling, talking with people.
I’m crossing my arms, wondering when she’ll get cranky and need to go to bed- she’s cheery and then passes out in the car.
When I am irritated about rocking her down AGAIN, she holds my hand and I realize- I’m the only one who’s upset here.
For her, she just needed some more time with me before she could sleep.
When I don’t want to walk slowly down the hallway after her cause we’re “in a hurry” so I rush past her.
You know who’s in a hurry?
She’s learning about her world and I want to get to Target.
Or you took that time to check facebook instead of reading the book AGAIN for the 10th time.
Instead of being present.
And then a day is over.
And you realize you can’t get it back.
And you were irritated over trivial things.
Things that really aren’t a big deal.
These are great lessons
To see your tendencies.
Your patterns flair up.
And realize, there’s no need.
This is humbling.
It is also an invitation to do more and be more than I ever thought possible.
That is what my child has taught me.
I’ve done therapy for years.
My 15 month old has opened up more doors for me than I ever thought possible.
She has also opened my HEART more than she will ever know.
So, to 2013, the lesson has been started.
And the rest of this lifetime will be the work of being worthy of being chosen by my greatest teacher.